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Weekly Broke Ass Previews - 6/6/10


  • Weekly Broke Ass Previews - 6/6/10

    This week I'm starting a new weekly article in which I'll be previewing all the upcoming game releases of the next week. Of course I don't have the money to buy all of these games and try them so I'll be reviewing them based on what I do know, the title. They always say you can't judge a book by it's cover, but they never said anything about it's title.

    The goal of my reviews is to save you money because like me you probably don't have the money to waste on shitty games so after a very in depth review I'll give a final verdict on whether you should buy the game, rent it, pirate it, or grab the nearest 55 gallon drum and use it to start a hobo fire.

    June 6th, 2010
    Hearts of Iron III: Semper Fi
    An expansion to a WW2 strategy game adding a bunch of new features to a game I've never heard of. Generally I would say pirate it, but it turns out not every game company is ran by greedy bastards (Blizzard I'm looking at you) and this expansion is actually free to download like they all should be.

    Verdict: BUY IT (from Steam, GamersGate, or Impulse where it's free)
    June 7th, 2010
    Sin and Punishment 2
    Pretty sure this is an S&M simulator and it's for the Wii so you know it's graphic. Use your wiimote to attach nipple clamps to your slave and you can use the Motion Plus for even more realistic gimp paddling.

    Verdict: Perfect stocking stuffer for the little ones this Christmas season BUY IT
    June 8th, 2010

    Green Day: Rock Band
    (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii)

    Another Rock Band and/or Guitar Hero game with a band name attached to it so they can put them out faster, great! This time it's Green Day because we all know how complicated Green Day songs are. A standard Rock Band/Guitar Hero game might have been fun instead the most fun way to play this game is on mute while trying to guess which song you're playing, they've very different.

    Verdict: 3 members, 3 chords, 1 franchise that needs to stop trying to drain everyone's wallet KILL WITH FIRE
    Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands

    OOOHHHH BOY! A PC port of a game that's already on the PS3, Xbox 360, and Wii. Have you heard of the Internet? Find this game on it.

    Verdict: PIRATE IT

    Pure Football
    (Xbox 360, PS3)

    Soccer... I mean football... I mean futball...? Fuck I don't even know anymore, this game has 2 covers and 2 titles. The only thing I know for sure is this game sucks worse than a banana sweatband, which I also don't know what is but it sounds Brazilian heueueheueheu

    Verdict: FIRE

    Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11
    (PS3, Xbox 360, Wii)
    Here's a snoozefest of a sport turned into a game yet again. This game is available on all 3 systems so if you want to look like a fag while you play get it for the Wii and if you want to be a fag get this game. Seriously, unless Mario and Link show up fuck golf and fuck this game.

    Verdict: FIRE
    Mega Man Zero Collection
    (Nintendo DS)
    Mega Man, now here's something I can get behind. 4 games for the price of 1 and you can take them with you. If it were only 1 it would probably be a rent, but for 4 that's a steal plus with how hard the zero series is you might not need to buy another game this year.

    Verdict: BUY
    Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
    Metal Gear Solid is great... on the PS3. This game is might be good but the AC!D series has taught me that if you take Solid Snake with you, you end up just playing cards.

    Verdict: RENT
    This game teaches you that when you combine the word satisfaction with fashion you're gay. This game is actually a flash game where you drag clothes onto a manikin ported to the Wii. I'm serious, I fucking researched it. You can play it if you want to: Play Satisfashion Free Online | Big Fish Games

    Verdict: FIRE
    Vacation Isle: Beach Party
    Wow here's a fun game. You can use the wii fit balance board to hula dance and then buy cool stuff to decorate your island!! What would be cool is if you could build a volcano on your island and sacrifice yourself for spending money on this instead of something useful, like meth.

    Verdict: FIRE
    Disgaea Infinite
    This is a series that's been around for a while. It's basically Final Fantasy Tactics with characters from the other Disgaea games. If you're someone who likes to complete a game 100% stay the fuck away from this series or your life is over. In the first one you could take your characters to level 999 or something ridiculous like that.

    Verdict: BUY and pickup extra batteries
    Let's Play Ballerina
    You play a Ballerina. That's about all I know. Maybe you use the balance board.

    Verdict: FIRE
    Call of Duty: The War Collection
    (Xbox 360)
    Call of Duty 2, 3, and World at War. Normally I'm a fan of bundles but unless you've never played these games don't waste your money and if you that is the case just rent it. Everyone's playing Modern Warfare.

    Verdict: RENT
    June 9th, 2010
    Dungeon Fighter Online
    I actually buy weed from a guy who plays this game. I'm not kidding, he multiboxes it with a laptop. He says it's good, it looks kind of cool but I forget the name of it as soon as I leave as never looked it up. It's free so try it out: Dungeon Fighter Online

    Verdict: TRY
    Mortal Online
    I tried this game after we got banned in Conquer. It sucks dick

    Verdict: FIRE

    Tenstones Gaming Community does not support piracy these reviews are intended solely for comedic value.

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