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Weekly Broke Ass Previews 6/14/10


  • Weekly Broke Ass Previews - 6/14/10

    The river of shitty games is really flowing this week. You'll be glad to know that I saved you well over 6000 pesos this week in my crusade to cut out games meant to bleed you bank account and make room for games that are actually good. Like Streets of Rage or The Adventures of Lary. You can use the money you save to buy yourself that fancy new dress you've been eyeing up all week or just get a 6 pack and wait for next week.

    June 14, 2010
    100 Classic Book Collection
    (Nintendo DS)
    Hereís a novel idea (get it?) combining books with video games. The goal of this game is to keep your illegitimate child busy while you play a real game like Sin and Punishment 2.

    Verdict: BUY and ďeducateĒ your kids
    Legend of Kay
    (Nintendo DS)
    Legend has it that this game sucks. Looks like a mixture of Kung Fu Panda and Starfox so unless I can double tap Z and DO A BARREL ROLL fuck this game.

    Verdict: File directly into the nearest chemical FIRE.
    June 15, 2010
    Making History II: The War of the World
    The realistic strategy genre is getting a work of this week. In this game you take turns playing as Hitler and Stalin (hetero life-mates) as you attempt to conquer the world before the aliens are able to. With cameos from Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, H.G. Wells, and ALF this one is sure to be a hit with every history buff.

    Verdict: BUY for the nerd if your life.

    The Book of Unwritten Tales
    Donít be fooled, this is a cleverly titled level editor for the soon to be announced Harry Potter and The Sorcerers Balls in which Harry finally becomes a man and has had it with Hermioneís tight clothes. After having his way with her and then the rest of the Hogwarts staff you play as Harry on the run from multiple serial rape and insider trading charges.

    Verdict: Rent. This game appears to have been rushed to release as an early alpha because the level editor lacks any objects and there is no real way to stop the cops from getting you within the first minute but the 72 minute HD intro movie is worth the rental cost alone.
    Kid Adventures: Sky Captain
    Thereís only 2 things that need said here. Wii and Kid. Not even turning it into an Amelia Earhart game where you fly your kids to Bermuda Triangle could save this piece of shit.

    Verdict: Take this and every other kids game for the Wii and launch them directly into the sun. FIRE
    Naval Assault: The Killing Tide
    (Xbox 360)
    In this game you play as a whole boat load of seamen battling for the only real prize, some balled up toilet paper or a wayward tube sock. With the innovative new background check feature it instantly found my addiction to internet porn and gave me all of the achievements.

    Verdict: RENT, if youíre like me youíll find this game lacks any challenge so be on the lookout for the sequel: ďNaval Assault: I Thought You Were On The Pill.Ē

    Toy Story 3
    (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, PC, PSP, Nintendo DS)
    A gang rape is when multiple people rape one person. What is it called when 6 people rape 6 different people simultaneously? Thatís what Toy Story 3 is attempting to do simultaneously rape every system. Why do you think his name's Woody in the first place?

    Verdict: Fuck you Toy Story, Harry Potter is the only fictional character that will be raping anyone on my system! FIRE

    See what I mean. Look at them all oogling you like a piece of meat.
    June 30, 2010
    Ancients of Ooga
    (Xbox 360)
    At first glance this game looks like its called Ancients of Orgy and these reviews are based on title so naturally I bought 2. This game was originally scheduled to be released on the 16th, but was pushed back to the June 30th because the content was thought to be too controversial for a mid June release.

    Verdict: BUY

    Tenstones Gaming Community does not support piracy these reviews are intended solely for comedic value.
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