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Weekly Broke Ass Previews: 6/27/10

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  • Weekly Broke Ass Previews: 6/27/10


    After a week off creating illegitimate children across the country in celebration of Father's Day I've returned with another batch of previews. This week has a wide variety of games that may or may not include: Farming, Cultivation, Sexual Animals, Space, Obscure Fetishes, Mud Wrestling, Prostitution, Aerobics, and Tax Evasion.
    27 Jun 2010
    Sin and Punishment: Star Successor
    (Wii)
     There’s no better way to fight a real case of the Mondays than with a gag ball. Obviously my preview of Sin and Punishment 2 got around quick because less than a month later the next sequel to this S & M franchise out. This time you play as an up-and-coming (lol pun) star hoping to surpass your previous performances with help of the optional bundle pack including car battery and jumper cables.

     Verdict: PIRATE. Buying this game would almost be prostitution and I don’t condone breaking the law.
    28 Jun 2010
    Jett Rocket
    (Wii)
     I thought this game was called Jeff Rocket so I figured our resident cow farmer got his own space themed, Farmville style, WiiWare game. Boy was I disappointed.

    Verdict: Just some homo in a space suit jumping on platforms. Get your FIRE warmed up.
    29 Jun 2010
    LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4
    (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, PC, PSP, Nintendo DS)
     Originally this game was just called Lego Harry Potter then they realized if they broke it up into multiple games they could make more money and Years 1-4 was born. That means from now until Harry gets cancer and dies (SPOILER) we’ll get a new Lego Harry Potter game every 3 months.

     Verdict: PIRATE this game and then out of pure spite burn it ritualistically with a group of your peers.
    TNA iMPACT! Cross the Line
    (Nintendo DS, PSP)
     Does anyone even watch wrestling anymore? The only line TNA crosses is how many sides a ring should have. Wrestling has been interesting in about 10 years and this game isn’t going to be any better.

     Verdict: CAN YOU SMMMMMELLLELELELELLLLELELELELELLLLL THAT THIS GAME SUCKS? I can. Where’s my FIRE?
    10 Minute Solution
    (Wii)
     I’m not sure advertising you only get 10 minutes of use out of your product is a good way to sell it and didn’t I already steal this game when it was call WiiFit Plus anyway?

     Verdict: PIRATE in just 10 minutes.
    Naughty Bear
    (Xbox 360, PS3)
     Reminds me of Crash Bandicoot so that’s what I’m going on. Hard times have hit Crash’s home. Not even small jungle islands off the coast of Australia are recession proof. Worse yet he has been transformed into a bear this time and he’s also got a sword and a drug problem. Each level you collect as much Sudafed as possible but don’t waste all of your meth before you reach the boss. Supposedly there’s a line cutting mini game if you have left over but there never is.

     Verdict: RENT it’s targeted to a very niche audience.
    Sniper: Ghost Warrior
    (Xbox 360)
     Generic name for a generic looking shooter. Xbox 360 already has good shooters: Halo, Call of Duty, Gears of War. Maybe you’ve heard of them. You should play those because they don’t suck like this bagged cereal version of them.

     Verdict: FIRE the FPS genre is already flooded with good games take this shit elsewhere.
    Trinity Universe
    (PS3)
     If a game has universe in the title it’s one of two things. It’s either a massively multiplayer online game or a franchise that’s released so many sequels it’s ran out of names and effectively created its own universe. Seeing as how this game is for the PS3 I’m going with the latter and I’ve never heard of this franchise so it’s going right in the shitter.

     Verdict: FIRE
    Ninety Nine Nights 2
    (Xbox 360)
     This title is a tricky one to say the least. Is it 99 nights twice? 198 nights? 99 nights to the power of two? 9,801 nights? He looks about 26 I’ll go with that. So Nine Thousand Eight Hundred and One Nights is an early 16th century male prostitution simulator in which you try to avoid catching gonorrhea and the plague for 26 years in order to please the gods.

     Verdict: BUY these are life lessons you can’t live without.
    Deathsmiles
    (Xbox 360)
     This game looks like it was targeted directly towards Hot Topic. Fake emo girls on the front and since when does death smile. The sad thing is this is probably a good game.

     Verdict: RENT at your local Twilight store.
    The Last Airbender
    (Wii, Nintendo DS)
     A game based on a M.Night Shymalan movie, based on a anime, based on a manga. What could possibly go wrong!? Anyone see The Happening? How about The Village? Signs? Guess what the twist is this time. Those are all being turned into games too.

     Verdict: Okay I made that last part up but this game is just as bad as those would be. FIRE.
    ArmA II: Operation Arrowhead
    (PC)
     I get the feeling this is another military based strategy game. Command and Conquer with updated graphics, big deal.

     Verdict: FIRE ZE MISSLES
    APB
    (PC)
     A few of us played the All Points Bulletin beta (or at least tried to) and while an online version of GTA sounds good in theory it gets old longer before you get your money’s worth.

     Verdict: PIRATE. Private APB servers anyone?
    Singularity
    (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)
     Yet another FPS. This one looks futuristic… so new and edgy.

     Verdict: RENT at least the title is original.
    30 Jun 2010
    Secret Files: Tunguska
    (Wii, Nintendo DS)
     Your typical point and click adventure game that came out in 2006 on the PC, was then ported to the Wii and DS in 2008, and then rereleased two years later in North America. If you’re not following me this game is almost 5 years old.

     Verdict: FIRE. Why don’t play a game that’s more current, like Myst.

    Tenstones Gaming Community does not support piracy these reviews are intended solely for comedic value.
    Tags: mmo, rpg, ps3, action, fps, wii, space, fighting, xbox 360, farming, portable, broke ass preview, pc gaming, cultivation, sexual animals, obscure fetishes, mud wrestling, prostitution, aerobics, tax evasion
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