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Weekly Broke Ass Previews: 7/11/10

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  • Weekly Broke Ass Previews: 7/11/10


    The shitty games are in no short supply this week. Ranging from oversized rats and talking dogs to knights battling ninjas just about every base is covered this week. The only thing missing is Kanye West Rock Band and Iím pretty sure that comes out next month (autotune sold separately).

    11 July 2010

    Dragon Quest IX
    (Nintendo DS)
    I canít say Iíve actually played any of the other 8 Dragon Quest but I know itís a great RPG series and if youíre tired of playing minigames on your DS this game is for you. You play as your standard spikey haired anime guy on some sort of quest probably to rescue someone, possibly a dragon.

    Verdict: BUY
    13 July 2010

    DeathSpank
    (PS3, Xbox 360)
    The aptly titled DeathSpank teaches an important life lesson in the danger of chronic masturbation. This game is part fast-paced puzzle game and part original Mario Party style hand blistering. Think Tetris meets DOA: Beach Volleyball.

    Verdict: FIRE. Save your money for porn.

    NCAA Football 11
    (PS2, PS3, Xbox 360)
    College sports do not need a new game every year. Now if they wanted to make this a good game it would be called NAACP 2011 and it would be a survival horror game starring Al Sharpton as you try to escape the south without being lynched or curb stomped.

    Verdict: FIRE. Thereís even a PS2 version to use as kindling.

    Dungeon Raiders
    (Nintendo DS)
    Trying to latch on to success of other current hits like Indian Jones for SNES and Pitfall on the Atari 2600, this game takes all the fun elements such as running, jumping over crocodiles, and swinging on vines and replaces them with endless rounds of Bejeweled because nothing says raiding dungeons for treasure like making rows of jewels.

    Verdict: This game might be playable if you matched Lara Croftís tits from each game but they wouldnít fit on the DS screen so just set this bitch on FIRE.

    Mytheon
    (PC)
    Here we have your typical free-to-play MMORPG. Made by the same people who made Warrior Epic this game looks like it sucks just as much. There are 3 all original classes: A melee Warcaster, a spell casting Elementalist, and a mixture of both called Eidolon. As you can see thereís almost too many choices. Naturally any game that claims to be free has a cash shop and Mytheon is no different. For only $129.95 you can become a Champion of Mytheon and receive such amazing items as: Keychain, T-Shirt, Hat, Poster, a lottery ticket, a bunch of stones, your name listed in the credits, 4 days of beta access, full bag slots, and 15% of future purchases.

    Verdict: Itís free so if youíre incredibly bored try it out, but donít come crying to me when it sucks dick like Warrior Epic.

    Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
    (Nintendo DS)
    [(Terrible Movie + Dumb Kids = Sequel) * (Terrible Movie Sequel + The Same Dumb Kids + Nintendo DS = Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore)] = The Destruction of The Earth

    As you can see this is a very dangerous game, if you see someone attempting to purchase this game I highly suggest you run towards him or her at full speed and remove their torso before itís too late.

    Verdict = Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore + FIRE

    Chuck E. Cheese's Party Games
    (Nintendo DS)
    When I was a kid we went to Chuck E. Cheeseís to extort our parents for quarters in hopes of collecting enough tickets to turn in for amazing prizes such as plastic rings and if you really saved up a pencil eraser. Now for only 40 or 50 times as much money your kids can take those games with them and you never have to worry about feeding them pizza or listening to a singing rat ever again.

    Verdict: PIRATE. If youíre going to be a cheap ass do it right.

    Little League World Series Baseball 2010
    (Xbox 360)
    A Little League game? Whatís next Teaball 2011? Donít be fooled by those hyper-realistic graphics either, this game is port that started out on the DS and Wii and looks just like Wii Sports. 10sTip: If you hold down the power button for 5 seconds you instantly win.

    Verdict: Baseball bats and small children: 2 things you can use to start a FIRE.

    Deadliest Warrior: The Game
    (Xbox 360)
    Apparently this game is based on a Spike TV where they take legendary warriors like Vikings and Pirates fight to the death in a computer simulation. Iíve never heard of it but then again I try to avoid anything that is requires a lack of a brain to enjoy. Besides everyone knows that Steven Segal is the deadliest warrior and heís nowhere to be found. This game does have one thing going for it; you can kill people in one hit and end the game.

    Verdict: RENT. Itís an Xbox Arcade game so figure that one out.
    16 July 2010

    Puzzle Quest 2
    (Nintendo DS)
    Oh cool Bejeweled 5. How many times can the same game come out? Seriously the only person making more money off of such a simple idea is the guy who invented toilet paper.

    Verdict: Whereís my blowtorch?

    Tenstones Gaming Community does not support piracy these reviews are intended solely for comedic value.
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