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Weekly Broke Ass Previews: 8/15/10

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  • Weekly Broke Ass Previews: 8/15/10


    Sorry for I missed a few weeks, I was dead thanks for caring assholes. Anyway there's a whole slew of new turds to smell this week. Gold turds, Japanese turds, Klingon turds, gay biker turds, Goose turds, and my favorite, fat titty turds.

    15 Aug 2010

    Xsyon
    (PC)
    Iím not even sure how the hell to pronounce this one so obviously this is a Star Trek game written completely in Klingon. You play as the legendary Xsyztorozoux in his early days training with Shredder and Krang so that you can defeat Han Solo. I donít read Klingon thatís just what I gathered from the Babblefish translation.

    Verdict: Quj bej qab HoH meQ SIbI' Ė Translation: Ďthis game fucking sucksí
    17 Aug 2010

    City of Heroes: Going Rogue
    (PC)
    Many lonely winter nights ago I played City of Heroes and City of Villains and they both great games if you have a few friends so you can crank up the difficulty, otherwise it gets repetitive as hell. You might not believe but a game about superheroes has a lot of 13 year olds that should be discovering masturbation instead of pulling and entire room. Fortunately one thing you canít complain about is a lack of content they just released their 18th free expansion since the games release and you can pick up both CoH and CoV for $10.99. This only the 2nd expansion that you have to pay for, but it adds the ability to go between good and evil or stay in-between and access all of the missions. They also added a mission editor, so you can create your own instances, new power sets, new zones, and upgraded the graphics.

    Verdict: Get a few friends and download the 7 day trial. Itís a fun game thatís rather inexpensive and highly customizable. Theyíve already announced the next free expansion is all about end game.

    Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days
    (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)
    This series is commonly known as The Adventures of Gay Biker and Roger Moore in Japan. When we last saw our heroes they had just defeated North Carolina state law and gotten married in Vermont. The sequel picks up a week later and thereís already trouble in paradise. Gay Bikerís supply of mustache wax is missing and Roger Mooreís anus is the prime suspect.

    Verdict: Letís just say the investigation is a little too thorough for me. My recommendation is to find a vat of hydrofluoric acid, make a wish, and hurl this game inside with all of your might.

    Ys Seven
    (PSP)
    Ys is a Japanese RPG that after creating six games before, has decided the US is finally ready. That would be like releasing Jason X in Japan and nothing else. Thanks for nothing assholes.

    Verdict: Take your pity game back and work on something cool like Jason vs. Godzilla.

    Top Gun
    (PS3)
    This is a direct port from the NES classic of the same title and itís still nearly impossible to land on the stupid fucking boat at the end of the first level. Supposedly this game is based off of a movie or something. I did a few hours of research online and didnít find a single thing so it must be a marketing ploy and I donít know why they keep referencing John McCain unless this turns into a PoW simulator once you manage to land the god damn plane.

    Verdict: The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because this game was stupid in 1987 and still is.

    Gold's Gym Dance Workout
    (Wii)
    Every night I go to bed dreaming that the last Wii fitness game I reviewed was the end. Theyíve stretched moving your arms around repeatedly to its breaking point and there are no more ways to reproduce the same game under a different name but none-the-less every week like herpes it just keeps coming back. Hereís an interesting and sadly true fact. More fitness games have been released this year than virtual console games which were one of the main selling points of the Wii in the first place.

    Verdict: Write your local representative and tell them to support HB10S which mandates all copies of this game be confiscated, melted down, and recycled as government cheese then given to the homeless thereby eliminating both problems.
    18 Aug 2010

    Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
    (Xbox 360)
    Lara Croft is back and her tits are bigger than ever. In fact theyíre so theyíve added multiplayer. A second player can play as the mythical Totec the Breastholder through slightly different levels and puzzles redesigned for co-op and the fact that some weird native guy is walking with you hold up your enormous rack. If the second player drops your tits you topple over like a drunken toddler. The game plays more like Diablo than Tomb Raider with a fixed camera and hordes of enemies around you to shoot.

    Verdict: Grab your friends tits in glee this game is good and itís cheap. Next month theyíre adding online multiplayer too.

    Star Ruler
    (PC)



    I think I've said enough.

    Tenstones Gaming Community does not support piracy these reviews are intended solely for comedic value.

    • Evilbob
      #1
      Evilbob commented
      Editing a comment
      Erm excuse me but Ys 1-3 were released on the TurboGrafx 16 CD-ROM gaming entertainment system in the early 1990s. Please do some fact checking before posting these reviews as I know a lot of people depend on them.


      Seriously though no fucking kidding about the Virtual Console, they haven't released anything on it since like March. I can think of at least 20 games I would buy right away if they were released but instead they ignore it. Pisses me off. Thanks for saving my hard earned pesos Bob.

    • Bob
      #2
      Bob commented
      Editing a comment
      Much like the Holocaust, TurboGrafx 16 never exsisted.
    Posting comments is disabled.

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