Announcement

Collapse

Help Keep Tenstones Alive

I fully updated the site and I'm looking to revive this community. I've been paying for it for years and I did just drop a decent amount to bring it up to date. Click here to show your support:

Anyone donates to support this revival, I can offer an @tenstones.net Google account as thanks.
See more
See less

Evilbob's Daily Reviews: 64th Street: A Detective Story

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Evilbob's Daily Reviews: 64th Street: A Detective Story

    The following game may cause homosexuality in young children. Parental discretion is advised.



    So here we have a shitty fucking arcade beat em up from the assholes at Jaleco. What's this one about? Take a fucking guess - some bitch got kidnapped, it's up to you to save her, etc. This one is set in 1939 and you play as one of two detectives - former professional wrestler Ravishing Rick Rude (RIP) and some faggot named Allen. Protip: Choose the guy with the stache. The game begins with Rick realizing that some job ads in the newspaper were written in a similar structure to the ransom note for the aforementioned bitch. This causes him and his AIDSsociate to go out and beat the ever loving fuck out of everyone. Why? Good fucking question.



    The graphics in this game are FABULOUS!!! Seriously I haven't seen this much purple since I drove through the gay pride parade in '04. I wasn't around in 1939 so I asked my grandfather if people dressed like this and he hit me and told me to quit selling his pain pills. The late 30's were not THE FUCKING BOY GEORGE ERA WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE STUPID ASSHOLES AT JALECO SMOKING. Ahem.



    Let's see.. a flying pirate presenting, Rick bending over like it's happy hour at the Golden Banana, and some boxer punching himself. God this game is stupid. The bosses are the cheapest I've ever encountered, they do unblockable attacks and then stand over you and spam them so you can't get up. I had unlimited continues since I was using MAME but it still pissed me off. Interesting fact - 64th Street had a very short shelf life in arcades because arcade owners legally had to refund any money spent on this game. Why? Because it sucked so much. The control is alright, but the gameplay is retarded. There's a special attack that drains your health, but a regular attack does more damage and doesn't drain your health. Power ups include items such as living cats and pens. Although they don't do anything, so I wouldn't call them power ups. I picked up a 1-up, it gave me 3000 points. Thanks a lot, Jalecunts.



    This is the ending. You beat up some hobo with a cane (who incidentally is the only person in the game that looks genuine to the era), a text box saying Deus Ex Machina appears, and some girl runs out and hugs you. Don't think about it, you'll end up in the fetal position like I did. For 8 hours. Look at the perspective, where are you supposed to be? Glued to the side of a blimp? You know what, I need to stop talking about this game before I have a stroke. The graphics suck, it's cheap, and it's gayer than a box of Hurbs. Avoid at all costs.

    Overall: 0/10 I'd rather play Frantic Flea on a 9 inch television.
    HE LISTENS TO THE FUCKING SMITHS
    HE'S GOT A MUSTACHE
    HE WEARS A TRENCHCOAT
    HE'S GOT A MUSTACHE
    HE WEARS BLACK TIGHTS
    HE WRITES POETRY
    HE WEARS BLACK LIPSTICK
    UNDER HIS MUSTACHE

    HE'S GOT A ROLLERCOASTER HAIRCUT
    HE DYES IT JET BLACK
    BUT HIS HAIR IS REALLY BROWN
    JUST LIKE HIS MUSTACHE
    HE WANTS TO BE ROBERT SMITH
    BUT WITH A MUSTACHE
    HE'S A FUCKING ART FAG
    HE'S GOT A MUSTACHE


Working...
X